I Didn't Want To Be The Poster Child For Depression

Mental Health Awareness month takes place in May. Today is June 1st! You would have thought that as a blogger and someone who dealt with depression I would have wrote about my experience during Mental Health Awareness Month. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to be a poster child for depression. 

I love to laugh! I mean, loud with my head cocked back and slapping my thigh or maybe even the person sitting closet to me (if you know me personally you’ve probably been a victim) and because of this you would never know or suspect that something is wrong. I will go to work, show up to events/participate and will take care of all my adult responsibilities while mentally and emotionally I’m drowning. 

There came a point in my depression where I isolated myself from everyone and everything. I lost out on a lot of things; friendships and opportunities because I didn’t deal with my issues and let them linger for so long. I cant say that my depression came from 1 single thing, a combination of things nor will I able to go into much detail (I’m not there yet). Maybe some day. But I will say that seeking professional help was the best thing I could have done.  I learned what my triggers are (I say are because they still come up but now I know how to deal with them). I know how to say I CANT! I CANT DEAL! I need a MOMENT. The best thing about about seeing a professional  is that I was able to form a plan on how to get my life back on track.

 

One of the goals on this plan was to reach out to people that I had relationships with that I actually valued and let them know what was going on. And the reason why I never answered their phone calls/ Facebook messages, why I was a no show to there wedding or baby shower. I made my list back in 2012. It's now 2015 and I still haven’t reached out to everyone on my list.

I missed a lot of friendship milestone moments while I was dealing with my depression; weddings, babies, death, cancer treatments... So it hasn’t been easy for some of them to let the relationship go back to the way we were before I isolated myself which is understandable. The excuse for why I haven’t been able to make amends with everyone on my list is just that, an excuse. The first few people I met with were very receptive and we’ve been able to develop some type of friendship after years of not being in contact.

But there has been a few people that didn’t receive what I was saying…which again is understandable. I missed out on his wedding! So because of a few (4 to be exact) not so good conversations I’ve developed anxiety about calling or meeting with the other people on my list. For these people I missed a lot more than a wedding. One friend in particular I missed out on her beating cancer twice!  In 2013 I said before the New Year I would reach out to her. We're half way into 2015 and I still haven’t called.  The anxiety over her rejecting my friendship leaves me crippled to where I can't pick up the phone.

I’m making a promise to myself to get back to my list and reach out to her and a few other folks finally. Rejection or not, it's time.